From the most recent mailbag, check out this description of how one might dress up like Bill Simmons. Sounds like someone I know, right down to having no butt and the constant glancing at the mobile device:
Q: I want to dress up as Bill Simmons for Halloween. Can you give me some tips (dress, etc.) so I can make it as authentic as possible? I have been practicing the nasally voice for last several months so have that down pat. Thanks for the help!
– Jeff A., NYCSG: I asked my wife to answer this question. Here’s what she wrote:
“Wardrobe: Broken-in jeans (frayed at the hem) worn falling down in the rear; wrinkled, vintage Red Sox T-shirt with NOTHING on the back and a coffee or nondescript food stain on the front; zip-navy hooded sweatshirt unzipped; Chuck Taylors; Fred Lynn baseball card in wallet along with at least $300 and 30 extra cards and business cards that you don’t need; hair like the late JFK Jr., but with silver highlights; blue/green contacts if you don’t have Bill’s dreamy eyes; he also has giant saucer eyes, so walk around with your eyes wide open like you’re in shock.
“How to carry yourself: Hold a BlackBerry in your hand at all times with e-mail or Twitter screen open and glance at it a lot; pretend to pay attention to your kids unless they need something, then act distracted like you just got an important e-mail; every 20 minutes, answer your phone and have an annoying basketball or football conversation with someone in a loud voice; if there’s a TV in the room showing a game, leave conversations mid-conversation and walk over to it to ‘catch the score’ even if it’s totally rude. Finally, Bill has no ass so I don’t know how you make that part of the costume. Maybe tape your buttocks so that they are inverted? Good luck.”
